My Mindset
I fear people leaving. There’s been too much of that in my life. So I figured I’d develop a plan. If I felt like I was getting too close to someone or if I thought I was caring about them too much, I’d run because I knew what I didn’t want to happen:
I didn’t want them to leave. I didn’t want to care too much. I didn’t want to lose them…
So I’d leave first.
That was my plan.
I was close to doing that with a friend that I unfathomably love and care about recently because I was terrified of feeling too much to just have her go. It had happened in the past and I didn’t want it to happen again. It hurts too much.
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I was watching a sermon and the pastor said this:
“You don’t get somewhere by not wanting to go somewhere else… There’s gotta be a decision that you make of who you want to be. It’s not good enough to decide who you don’t want to be.”
That made me realize that my plan was flawed. I realized that I no longer wanted to think about what I didn’t want to happen or what kind of friend I didn’t want to be or what type of relationship I didn’t want to have. It made me realize that what’s important is focusing and dedicating myself to the kind of person I want to be.
I want to be there for you. I want to care about you. I want you to know that you are loved. I want you to be able to be happy or sad or crazy or anything that you want to be and know that I’ll love you anyway. I want to pray for you. I want to help you grow. I want to be the best person I can be for you.
Now in all honesty, part of me is still scared. But from now on, this is my mindset. And I am going to try my hardest to keep to it. Unconditional love. Let’s do this.
